You can't predict a summer from one interview, but do take note of the brightly contrasting walls, morally superior snack food stands and casual earth-tone t-shirt demeanors-- all of which suggest a haven for the contemporary beatnik.

I've done the white torture cubicle. Solitary confinement is your most damaging conspiracy theory stopping by at 4pm. It's accidentally drinking a dairy-heavy coffee from last week because you've left a chain of half-finished mugs where no one can see them. Everywhere. Because you are fundamentally alone.

Start-ups are a different animal. And they’re now populating most subway banner spaces with self-serving quips. Small apartments for sale-- less room for your anxiety ha!

The groundbreaking! the earth-shattering! requires questioning life as you know it. When I was young my mother told me that the fog suspended over tree canopies was dragon's breath. This and many other childhood untruths has weaved itself into reality. (For another example, I've never willingly swallowed a watermelon seed.)

Had Pythagoras chosen to focus on his poetry, and the trove of proceeding astronomical scientists had said, “eh, I’ll stick to marketing,” a silicon valley mover n' shaker would have probably started the “earth is round” movement from some iconoclastic wet dream.

So our company, AskJack, is reframing the way contractor-to-consumer services function. Think of Home Advisor and then think of it no more. We’re coming. That’s all I’m getting into because me, me, me.

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Success is attainable so long as the app is successfully developed in time and/or the marketing interns don’t just redraft GoDaddy commercials and get loaded on free beer at startup mixers. (You have to omit at least one of these.)

I tried not to get attached to this job before leaving for Amsterdam. In fact, I've managed to remain at a psychopathic distance from Alexa... though it does help that she is programmed for enthusiastic compliance.

But the human employees are emoting left and right. And I have to be honest, I really like them.

The developers are wickedly smart and agreeable-- an uncommon amalgam. The worst programming stereotypes certainly do not apply here, though I do find it laughable that Pablo is eager to place his brain in a self-sustained module and float into space, infinitely considering… God? Automata theory? Dick Cheney making money from the Iraq war?

Derek (@djkelmanson) looks a bit like David Foster Wallace but seems less eager to talk about debilitating sadness. Instead he chooses to be a delightful conversationalist, often serving as the third eye in debates over the immoral practice of $10,000 gold-sprinkled pizza. You might be picking up on the media bias.

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Who's who?


Dave (@daveneff) is my eye-contact point person. He’s situated across the shared table and to the left, bypassing the computer monitor’s autocratic stance. I know he will accept any bizarre artistic reveals and respond with his own… or provide a brief timeline and comprehensive analysis of Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys. He’s also impressively musical.

Anthony and John are the bossmen. They’re modest about past lives as DJs and fortune 500 design gurus, which I admire, but their most notable accomplishment is an everlasting friendship.

John was my interviewer and explicitly asked if I was, you know, cool. From that point on, they’ve encouraged me to be my funky self in all personal and professional endeavors.

The interns are a special bunch. I currently work with Sophia (@phia1231), who is in the process of building an orphanage in India. So you can imagine how mercenary she must be. I don’t think there exists a more giving and modest soul… Except for me, of course. Though I wouldn’t dare flaunt it.

In conclusion, I digress (name that viral video for a chance to name that viral video). This is getting lengthy. I'll end on a quote.

“These organic chicken bites taste like dog food. ”

— Everybody